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The Land of Misfit Memes

by Admin Jen

In organizing my files I ran across a bunch of memes that were never quite finished, got bumped due to other events, or that we didn’t think were quite good enough to use for their intended purpose, but had enough joie de vie about them that it seemed a shame not to share them.  Like the squirt gun that shoots jelly or the Charlie-in-the-box that guards the Island of Misfit Toys, these memes had to have a home somewhere.  And we couldn’t think of a better excuse to create this home for them than April Fool’s Day.  So, we’re not fooling anyone with these misfit memes, but we are fooling around a little, and hopefully you’ll get a chuckle or two.

 

THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES:  AN ARTIST’S CONCEPTION

How could we possibly caption this?  The image itself is so… uh… evocative?

RYAN SPANKING

 

 

THE LADY SENATORS OF THE ASC

Inspired by a nickname that we coined for Claire McCaskill when she was administering ass-beatings to Todd Akin during the Senate debates last fall …And a lot of Kill Bill on cable tv… And our blinding rage toward the unexplained and inexplicable dismissal of a high-profile military sexual assault conviction…  This bit of fun wound up getting abandoned during a busy news week.  Enjoy!

KILL BILL POSTER

 

SNAKES IN A UTERUS

This one went through a million mutations and just never seemed quite right.  But you know, sometimes it’s satisfying to just tell someone where to stick it.

SNAKES ON  A PLANE

 

BUSHMASTER OF CEREMONIES

Once again, this one just happened during a crowded news week, got relegated to back burner, and was never finished.  I was spending too much time lurking on gun forums, and was having a bit of a Saul Bass moment a while back, and did this weird, blown-out artwork of the grinning lady with an AR-15.

GUN LOGIC

 

RACIST NUTS

We try to be inclusive here at Women: Rise Up Now, but racial issues are not our wheelhouse per se.  So, we decided not to go with this one after the bizarre incident of some racists throwing peanuts at a black CNN camerawoman at the RNC.

RACIST NUTS

 

HEY GIRL…

We got a few complaints about having Photoshopped Scott Brown’s face onto a “depilated Burt Reynolds’ body”, so we decided to sit on the other memes we made for that series.  But here’s one:

SCOTT BROWN HEY GIRL 1

Hope you enjoyed some of our favorite Misfit Memes!  Happy April Fool’s Day!  Tell us which ones you liked best, or feel free to tell us in the comments how you would’ve captioned them!


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John Brunner For Senate… Again!

Part Two of Our Todd Akin Coverage
by My Alternate Universe Teabagger Twin

You know, I’ve had my differences with Sarah Palin in the past.  She thinks we should focus on getting the America-hating Muslim terrorists, I think we should focus on getting the terror-loving Muslim terrorists.  She feels we should be able to hunt wolves from helicopters, I think we should be using prop-planes.  There’s no doubt a gap to be bridged there.  But I’ve got to say, I think she has the right idea when she suggested that one of the Republicans who didn’t manage to defeat Todd Akin in the primaries should totally run as a third party candidate.  Once again, we have a gap here, in that she wants Sarah Steelman and I like John Brunner.  Crazy Sarah, I suspect you just like her because she has the same name as you.  What kind of reason is that to support a candidate for public office? And besides, I need a MAN to tell me what to do with my uterus, because he’s just GOT to know more about how it works than I would.

So let’s have a look at John Brunner, the guy we passed on the first time around.  It’s like the romantic comedy where the girl spends the whole movie chasing the hot football player when the absolute perfect guy for her, the dude that the Democrats have not been spending $2M of their own money to promote, has been right in front of her all along.

Come on, admit it. You would totally shell out to see this movie.

Let’s visit his policy positions and give ourselves a second chance at love:

Big government = grrr.  Check!

Small business = good.  Check!

Taxes = grrr.  Check!

Obamacare = grrr.  Check!

Fetuses = Hooray!  Check!

As a small business owner and former Marine, he possesses two out of the three qualities needed for sainthood in the Republican party.  All he would need to do is change his last name to Reagan.  Middle name would also be acceptable.

And of course, he hates, hates, hates earmarks, and really, who doesn’t?  Even a lot of you worthless, freedom-hating liberals agree with that.

And of course, the most important part is, that he is totally pro-fetus like Todd Akin, but comes without the baggage of actually saying the medieval crap he believes when he’s on TV!  I mean, we all know that you can’t pregnant from rape unless you’re a dirty slut who actually enjoyed it, but you’re not supposed to SAY that on TV!  We can’t afford to have morons like Akin risking the election by making the public aware of what we actually think.  If the twelve remaining “swing voters” in America know that we actually are waging a war on women (and sex, by the way), well.  Can you imagine?  It might actually dissuade a few of them from voting Republican and that could be enough to tip the election, good God!

People, we have a duty here.  We have to ask John Brunner to run as an independent.  Nay, we have to BEG John Brunner to run as an independent.  Those “ivory-tower elites” with their “edjumacation” in the party machinery claim that this would be a disaster because it would split the conservative vote.  But we know better, don’t we, kids?  We know that a true conservative who isn’t stupid enough to actually expose how far back we want to drag women’s rights could be just the person to beat Claire McCaskill and her Obama-loving, freedom-hating, communist-fascist-socialist agenda.  Missouri, and friends all over the country, let’s ask John Brunner to run.  Again. I know, you’re saying, “But he couldn’t beat Todd Akin the first time!” and I’m saying, “Yes, but we didn’t know how effing retarded Todd Akin was back then!”   Come on, people.   That sofa looked nice in the store, but once you get it in the house, it totally doesn’t work with the rug.  We need to return that sofa to the store and get one that doesn’t clash with our décor or expose our true agenda on TV.

Since I know my audience is real conservative, I’m going to clarify:  Todd Akin IS that sofa.  John Brunner is the new sofa.  Akin = sofa.  Sofa = bad.

Brunner for Senate!

http://www.facebook.com/BrunnerForLiberty

@brunnerforMO

Todd Akin – Artist’s conception


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Todd Akin Has Figured Out My Secret

Just one of the many magical things my vagina can do.

Todd Akin has figured out my secret: my vagina is magical. I thought he was a stupid, bigoted oaf, but apparently, he’s stupid like a fox. He’s found me out. I’ve been keeping it under my hat, but before it all comes out in the press, you might as well hear it from me. Here’s a Top Ten list of some of the amazing things my magical vagina can do:

10. I can pull a rabbit out of it.

9. It can produce flowers on command.

8 It can open several secret doors in Hogwarts.

7. It can destroy the One Ring. Please don’t ask me how. You really don’t want to know.

6. It can magnify the career successes of Jeff Dunham and Larry the Cable Guy to unbelievable heights. I know, I’m still ashamed of that one myself, but I swear they’re nice guys. I just wanted to help them out.

5. It can cast a spell on all men within a 100 foot radius, causing them to become temporarily stupid. Not just mine. Every woman’s vagina can do this.

4. It can turn water into wine. But you might not want to drink it.

3. It can summon 100 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But you might not want to eat them.

2. It can turn people invisible. Again, please don’t ask me how.

1. IF I GET RAPED BY A MAN WHO IS NOT WEARING A CONDOM, IT CAN MAGICALLY MAKE SURE THAT I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GET PREGNANT.

Isn’t that amazing? Todd Akin busted me on that last one, and hats off to him, I say. Who would have thought that Republicans would be the ones to figure out our incredible secret: that nobody anywhere ever gets pregnant from a “legitimate rape”. Now I’m assuming a legitimate rape is one where the victim wasn’t, you know, “asking for it.”

But maybe he can clear up for the rest of us, where does a date rape involving roofies fall on the spectrum of Rape Legitimacy? If a guy I don’t really like buys me a drink but I don’t refuse it, and he drugs me, was it a Legitimate Rape, because I was incapable of consenting? Or was it not a Legitimate Rape because I didn’t fight him off? Does it depend on what I was wearing or whether I was leading him on? Can Mr. Akin clear up for me whether I would get pregnant under that circumstance or not? I’m not out in the dating game anymore, but I think I speak for a lot of our younger, single audience when I say, some of us girls really need to know.

And I really need him to set me straight on that case of the mentally disabled ten year old in Kansas who got pregnant after being raped by her uncle. She’s pregnant, so clearly it can’t be a Legitimate Rape, even though she is ten years old, mentally disabled and completely incapable of giving consent. Unless… did her mental disability prevent her sparkly, pregnancy-preventing vagina magic from working properly? That must be it! Maybe he’d be willing to make an exception in her case and grant her the Legitimate Rape ribbon or sticker or whatever it is he thinks we should hand out if you get raped and get pregnant as a result.

So, how hard does a girl have to fight for it to be a Legitimate Rape? Do we get pregnant if we only say no once? Do we have to scream for help? If he has a weapon and says he’s going to kill us if we scream, and we don’t, what does that mean? Will we get pregnant or not? Would our lack of pregnancy hold up as evidence of a Legitimate Rape in a court of law? Poor little confused girls, we don’t know when we’ve been raped or not, so whether we get pregnant or not seems to be as good an indicator as any. And clearly, the razor sharp mind who figured it all out needs to be the one to explain it to us.

So girls, I think we should all come clean. I think we should contact Mr. Akin, through his facebook page, his campaign emails and phone numbers, and fess up on what other magical things our vaginas can do. And while you’re at it, gentle readers, tell us too! What’s your special vagina magic? We want to know!

https://www.facebook.com/supportakin
#TeamAkin
https://www.akin.org/contact
(636) 207-7986