Part Two of Our Todd Akin Coverage
by My Alternate Universe Teabagger Twin
You know, I’ve had my differences with Sarah Palin in the past. She thinks we should focus on getting the America-hating Muslim terrorists, I think we should focus on getting the terror-loving Muslim terrorists. She feels we should be able to hunt wolves from helicopters, I think we should be using prop-planes. There’s no doubt a gap to be bridged there. But I’ve got to say, I think she has the right idea when she suggested that one of the Republicans who didn’t manage to defeat Todd Akin in the primaries should totally run as a third party candidate. Once again, we have a gap here, in that she wants Sarah Steelman and I like John Brunner. Crazy Sarah, I suspect you just like her because she has the same name as you. What kind of reason is that to support a candidate for public office? And besides, I need a MAN to tell me what to do with my uterus, because he’s just GOT to know more about how it works than I would.
So let’s have a look at John Brunner, the guy we passed on the first time around. It’s like the romantic comedy where the girl spends the whole movie chasing the hot football player when the absolute perfect guy for her, the dude that the Democrats have not been spending $2M of their own money to promote, has been right in front of her all along.
Let’s visit his policy positions and give ourselves a second chance at love:
Big government = grrr. Check!
Small business = good. Check!
Taxes = grrr. Check!
Obamacare = grrr. Check!
Fetuses = Hooray! Check!
As a small business owner and former Marine, he possesses two out of the three qualities needed for sainthood in the Republican party. All he would need to do is change his last name to Reagan. Middle name would also be acceptable.
And of course, he hates, hates, hates earmarks, and really, who doesn’t? Even a lot of you worthless, freedom-hating liberals agree with that.
And of course, the most important part is, that he is totally pro-fetus like Todd Akin, but comes without the baggage of actually saying the medieval crap he believes when he’s on TV! I mean, we all know that you can’t pregnant from rape unless you’re a dirty slut who actually enjoyed it, but you’re not supposed to SAY that on TV! We can’t afford to have morons like Akin risking the election by making the public aware of what we actually think. If the twelve remaining “swing voters” in America know that we actually are waging a war on women (and sex, by the way), well. Can you imagine? It might actually dissuade a few of them from voting Republican and that could be enough to tip the election, good God!
People, we have a duty here. We have to ask John Brunner to run as an independent. Nay, we have to BEG John Brunner to run as an independent. Those “ivory-tower elites” with their “edjumacation” in the party machinery claim that this would be a disaster because it would split the conservative vote. But we know better, don’t we, kids? We know that a true conservative who isn’t stupid enough to actually expose how far back we want to drag women’s rights could be just the person to beat Claire McCaskill and her Obama-loving, freedom-hating, communist-fascist-socialist agenda. Missouri, and friends all over the country, let’s ask John Brunner to run. Again. I know, you’re saying, “But he couldn’t beat Todd Akin the first time!” and I’m saying, “Yes, but we didn’t know how effing retarded Todd Akin was back then!” Come on, people. That sofa looked nice in the store, but once you get it in the house, it totally doesn’t work with the rug. We need to return that sofa to the store and get one that doesn’t clash with our décor or expose our true agenda on TV.
Since I know my audience is real conservative, I’m going to clarify: Todd Akin IS that sofa. John Brunner is the new sofa. Akin = sofa. Sofa = bad.
Brunner for Senate!