Todd Akin has figured out my secret: my vagina is magical. I thought he was a stupid, bigoted oaf, but apparently, he’s stupid like a fox. He’s found me out. I’ve been keeping it under my hat, but before it all comes out in the press, you might as well hear it from me. Here’s a Top Ten list of some of the amazing things my magical vagina can do:
10. I can pull a rabbit out of it.
9. It can produce flowers on command.
8 It can open several secret doors in Hogwarts.
7. It can destroy the One Ring. Please don’t ask me how. You really don’t want to know.
6. It can magnify the career successes of Jeff Dunham and Larry the Cable Guy to unbelievable heights. I know, I’m still ashamed of that one myself, but I swear they’re nice guys. I just wanted to help them out.
5. It can cast a spell on all men within a 100 foot radius, causing them to become temporarily stupid. Not just mine. Every woman’s vagina can do this.
4. It can turn water into wine. But you might not want to drink it.
3. It can summon 100 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But you might not want to eat them.
2. It can turn people invisible. Again, please don’t ask me how.
1. IF I GET RAPED BY A MAN WHO IS NOT WEARING A CONDOM, IT CAN MAGICALLY MAKE SURE THAT I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GET PREGNANT.
Isn’t that amazing? Todd Akin busted me on that last one, and hats off to him, I say. Who would have thought that Republicans would be the ones to figure out our incredible secret: that nobody anywhere ever gets pregnant from a “legitimate rape”. Now I’m assuming a legitimate rape is one where the victim wasn’t, you know, “asking for it.”
But maybe he can clear up for the rest of us, where does a date rape involving roofies fall on the spectrum of Rape Legitimacy? If a guy I don’t really like buys me a drink but I don’t refuse it, and he drugs me, was it a Legitimate Rape, because I was incapable of consenting? Or was it not a Legitimate Rape because I didn’t fight him off? Does it depend on what I was wearing or whether I was leading him on? Can Mr. Akin clear up for me whether I would get pregnant under that circumstance or not? I’m not out in the dating game anymore, but I think I speak for a lot of our younger, single audience when I say, some of us girls really need to know.
And I really need him to set me straight on that case of the mentally disabled ten year old in Kansas who got pregnant after being raped by her uncle. She’s pregnant, so clearly it can’t be a Legitimate Rape, even though she is ten years old, mentally disabled and completely incapable of giving consent. Unless… did her mental disability prevent her sparkly, pregnancy-preventing vagina magic from working properly? That must be it! Maybe he’d be willing to make an exception in her case and grant her the Legitimate Rape ribbon or sticker or whatever it is he thinks we should hand out if you get raped and get pregnant as a result.
So, how hard does a girl have to fight for it to be a Legitimate Rape? Do we get pregnant if we only say no once? Do we have to scream for help? If he has a weapon and says he’s going to kill us if we scream, and we don’t, what does that mean? Will we get pregnant or not? Would our lack of pregnancy hold up as evidence of a Legitimate Rape in a court of law? Poor little confused girls, we don’t know when we’ve been raped or not, so whether we get pregnant or not seems to be as good an indicator as any. And clearly, the razor sharp mind who figured it all out needs to be the one to explain it to us.
So girls, I think we should all come clean. I think we should contact Mr. Akin, through his facebook page, his campaign emails and phone numbers, and fess up on what other magical things our vaginas can do. And while you’re at it, gentle readers, tell us too! What’s your special vagina magic? We want to know!