Todd Akin Has Figured Out My Secret

54 Comments

Just one of the many magical things my vagina can do.

Todd Akin has figured out my secret: my vagina is magical. I thought he was a stupid, bigoted oaf, but apparently, he’s stupid like a fox. He’s found me out. I’ve been keeping it under my hat, but before it all comes out in the press, you might as well hear it from me. Here’s a Top Ten list of some of the amazing things my magical vagina can do:

10. I can pull a rabbit out of it.

9. It can produce flowers on command.

8 It can open several secret doors in Hogwarts.

7. It can destroy the One Ring. Please don’t ask me how. You really don’t want to know.

6. It can magnify the career successes of Jeff Dunham and Larry the Cable Guy to unbelievable heights. I know, I’m still ashamed of that one myself, but I swear they’re nice guys. I just wanted to help them out.

5. It can cast a spell on all men within a 100 foot radius, causing them to become temporarily stupid. Not just mine. Every woman’s vagina can do this.

4. It can turn water into wine. But you might not want to drink it.

3. It can summon 100 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But you might not want to eat them.

2. It can turn people invisible. Again, please don’t ask me how.

1. IF I GET RAPED BY A MAN WHO IS NOT WEARING A CONDOM, IT CAN MAGICALLY MAKE SURE THAT I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GET PREGNANT.

Isn’t that amazing? Todd Akin busted me on that last one, and hats off to him, I say. Who would have thought that Republicans would be the ones to figure out our incredible secret: that nobody anywhere ever gets pregnant from a “legitimate rape”. Now I’m assuming a legitimate rape is one where the victim wasn’t, you know, “asking for it.”

But maybe he can clear up for the rest of us, where does a date rape involving roofies fall on the spectrum of Rape Legitimacy? If a guy I don’t really like buys me a drink but I don’t refuse it, and he drugs me, was it a Legitimate Rape, because I was incapable of consenting? Or was it not a Legitimate Rape because I didn’t fight him off? Does it depend on what I was wearing or whether I was leading him on? Can Mr. Akin clear up for me whether I would get pregnant under that circumstance or not? I’m not out in the dating game anymore, but I think I speak for a lot of our younger, single audience when I say, some of us girls really need to know.

And I really need him to set me straight on that case of the mentally disabled ten year old in Kansas who got pregnant after being raped by her uncle. She’s pregnant, so clearly it can’t be a Legitimate Rape, even though she is ten years old, mentally disabled and completely incapable of giving consent. Unless… did her mental disability prevent her sparkly, pregnancy-preventing vagina magic from working properly? That must be it! Maybe he’d be willing to make an exception in her case and grant her the Legitimate Rape ribbon or sticker or whatever it is he thinks we should hand out if you get raped and get pregnant as a result.

So, how hard does a girl have to fight for it to be a Legitimate Rape? Do we get pregnant if we only say no once? Do we have to scream for help? If he has a weapon and says he’s going to kill us if we scream, and we don’t, what does that mean? Will we get pregnant or not? Would our lack of pregnancy hold up as evidence of a Legitimate Rape in a court of law? Poor little confused girls, we don’t know when we’ve been raped or not, so whether we get pregnant or not seems to be as good an indicator as any. And clearly, the razor sharp mind who figured it all out needs to be the one to explain it to us.

So girls, I think we should all come clean. I think we should contact Mr. Akin, through his facebook page, his campaign emails and phone numbers, and fess up on what other magical things our vaginas can do. And while you’re at it, gentle readers, tell us too! What’s your special vagina magic? We want to know!

https://www.facebook.com/supportakin
#TeamAkin
https://www.akin.org/contact
(636) 207-7986

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Author: womenriseupnow

An awareness and mobilization site designed to fight back against recent attacks against womens' rights.

54 thoughts on “Todd Akin Has Figured Out My Secret

  1. AWESOME article!!! 😉

  2. My Vagina can spell really long words backwards…

  3. Mine can wither crops at a single glance and summon locusts.

  4. Mine houses a high powered wi-fi connection where ever I go.

  5. If a guy slips you a roofie, it’s not a Legitimate Rape. You did not refuse the drink; therefore, you asked for it. Duh!

    My vagina can write computer code!

  6. Mine can locate lost keys.

  7. I keep telling them it is not our magical vaginas but the fairy dust we use on our bodies afterwards! Ut oh I am sorry I spilled another secret we women hold. I guess now they will burn us at the stake because we will be classified as witches. 🙂

  8. My vagina is working on eradicating childhood obesity

  9. You ladies should make videos of your VJs doing all these incredible things. They would get millions of hits.

    • That would ruin the magic. Don’t you know anything about magic? If someone sees us it’s not real. Ugh, men are so stupid.

  10. Mine is able to leap tall buildings and stop a speeding locomotive. It’s Super Vajayjay.

  11. Mine can steal a car in less than sixty seconds!

  12. my vagina can leap tall buildings in a single bound. just sayin

  13. My vagina is an Olympic Gold Medal winning vagina and can do all of the above and 11 other totally secret thangs.

  14. Republicans getting their clocks cleaned out, I’m so amazed at you ladies, here’s hoping Bill Maher lifts some of these amazing hormonal musings for his show tonight.

  15. Brilliant. Akin is a knucklehead.

  16. Ah hell… wish he would have informed me about my magical vagina BEFORE I spent all that damn money on birth control for all those years.

  17. my vagina is in the other room and it can make me do anything

  18. Mine sings opera in falsetto… in Latin.

  19. my vagina gives titty twisters to republicans who spout nonsense (that would be ALL of them!)

  20. Mine can earn 25 PHDs with just one wink and a smile. *Muah!*

  21. Mine translates Farsi and Dari into English. And no, it’s not for rent or sale.

  22. I had an abusive boyfriend once so apparently my vagina can turn otherwise perfectly good men into *ssholes. My vagina also does hexa-decimal coding – it’s old school!

  23. You go girl. Awesome article. Anyone who votes for him is a moron.

  24. I never met one I didn’t like!

  25. My vagina contains the cheat codes to every single video game ever, including pong. It also houses and sustains two dwarfs, a dragon, and one dungeon. Oh yeah, and out makes my fiancé buy me stuff… Neato

  26. My magical vagina can tie my shoes, tie my husband’s tie, wax itself and my legs, and type all my emails, Facebook statuses, Tweets, and my comment to this blog.

  27. I would reveal my vagina’s secret magical power, but then I’d have to kill you. Which is a hint, by the way…

  28. I appreciate the sentiment but am disappointed that the image is of a woman in “sexy lingerie” even if it is meant to be satirical. It’s a shame to see another representation and portrayal of straight male fantasy.

  29. Mine can make people disappear but only if I tell them what all my vagina can actually do, consider yourself warned.

  30. Mine can divide by zero!

  31. my vagina is a cisco certified network engineer

  32. My Vagina…00oops! I don’t have one. Ahhhh… Vagina envy..

  33. mine is mine is telepathically, it communicates with “gentlemen” of high descent,but fore some reason they don’t want to listen….

  34. My vagina can play the cello, fiddle, and uilleann pipes simultaneously and speaks in tongues.

  35. My Vagina earned a doctorate and a black belt. If that’s not magical enough – my vagina can also talk to the trees. (And they are pissed!)

  36. I’m pretty sure my vagina is Wolverine.

  37. My Vagina discovered the ‘God Particle’ first.

  38. My vagina works as a universal remote control… It works for televisions, radios, garage doors, automated window blinds… Everything!

  39. OMG I love the humor of bright, pissed women. Thanks for making me laugh!!!! My magic vagina makes me survive all the Republican wankers in Missouri. But it is workin’ overtime…

    • Please tell us what we can do to help! I shudder to think of what will happen to the collective vagina if Todd Akin is elected. As you may have seen, we regularly generate political artworks for various issues, and we would love to generate something for this MO race that will resonate locally.

  40. my vagina finally solved the chuck norris equation. it won.

  41. My vagina assisted in making Hanford (a Corporation, which is owned and operated by GREEDY Republicans) clean up the radioactive nuclear waste, which they were dumping into the Columbia River. My vagina also assisted in making Hanford pay the doctor’s bills for the many Yakama Tribal members who gave birth to children with major health problems, due to the mess these irresponsible, corporate, greedy jerks made. Yes, my vagina is a CUNT, and I am proud of it!

  42. So many wonderful and talented vaginas! My vagina just mixed me a drink and I toast to you all!!!!! =D

  43. Carolyn,you rock!!! never change

  44. Mine can vote Republican even with douchebags like Akin in the Party. 😉

  45. you all have such incredible powers. as far as i know (and i could be wrong since i’m not in control), my penis is more of a parasite that has mind control abilities. it’s not cool mind control since it only effects the mind of the person it is in (double entendre). it acts/reacts when it wants and it makes us primarily do stupid things to, i believe, garner some of the V’s (capital V) uber powers. here is my answer to the top 10. #10 something about a beaver but now it’s a rabbit? I misunderstood that one; #9. so why am i buying the flowers again? think of the help you could do bringing back the bee population; #8 i want to see hogwarts. no fair.; #7 you made frodo and sam suffer the entire trip when you could have just ended the war. very selfish i say; #6 actually i like them too. thank you; #5 this one wasn’t a secret except i thought it was a longer range than 100 foot radius. with all the women around i think it’s gone from temporary stupidity to chronic; #4/3 yeah, probably not want to drink or eat but it would be a cool party or stage trick and would be helpful in disaster relief situations; #2 maybe some of those times you ask if we’ve been listening it’s because you didn’t realize you went invisible. something to keep a watch over if you can; #1 i guess there are a lot of women who were secretly wanting the sex if they got pregnant. (satire)

  46. Bravo!!

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