15 Jun 2012
Before I write another word, I want to start by saying, I like most of the Christians I know. They’re mostly nice people. This is for the ones that are trying to fuck it up for everyone. They know who they are.
Anyway, I’ve put it all together. I have the solution for all the scary bullshit going on in America that is all coming from the fundamentalist Christians and eagerly abetted by the craven, vote-grubbing politicians who worship them. And it’s so simple, I don’t know why it hasn’t been done yet.
It came to me after watching a few moments of video of that “radio host,” Caiden Cowger. For those of you who missed out on the phenomenon, I’ll try to sum up without trashing him too hard. After all, it’s unseemly for an adult to pick on a 14-year-old boy, even if he is a 14 year old Glenn Beck impersonator spewing hate and homophobia. And even if he, for some reason, has been given a megaphone for his hate and homophobia in the form of a radio show and an inexplicably popular YouTube channel which both get subsequently shut down for hate speech. Because, Caiden, sweetie pie, that’s what they call it when you go on rage-filled rants against gay people and say insane things like “President Obama is making kids gay.”
Anyhow, so many of the pages I follow were posting about this kid, that I felt obliged to at least watch a few highlights to see if it was really all that. And, it was. <shiver> But anyway, he said something in one of his rants, and it was like a bolt of lightning to the side of my head. He said, “Homosexuality is a perverted belief.”
Now, we’re not going to pick on poor Caiden and deconstruct that statement to show what’s stupid about it (hint: everything). But it hit me: Homosexuality is a belief? That’s what Caiden said, and he would know, right? Then, why not simply go the extra half-mile and enshrine it into a religion, with a church and the whole nine? Then suddenly gays could simply cry “religious persecution” just like all these right-wing Christian whiners bitching about taking America back (to 300 B.C.)!
Now, I’m not talking about gay churches. Those exist already, and are mostly unloved by both Christians and gays. I’m talking about Gay as A Religion. The First Church of Gay. Our Lady of DeGeneres! St. Leah of DeLaria! Elton John could dust off a few of those old sequined capes and be the Gay Pope! The Holy Trinity? RuPaul, Carson Kressley, and Harvey Fierstein! They could steal all the gays that it took to put on John Paul II’s funeral extravaganza, and then *every* Sunday could be like that!
If you’re smart, you know where I’m going with this. Yes, that’s right. We feminists clearly just need to make our own church. Or, temple, if you like. We’ll let the gays riff on Catholicism, since the line is so blurry anyhow. Temple Beth Fallopia is what I’ve got on my mind. Lose the star of David and place a giant golden uterus over the door. At Temple Beth Fallopia, paid maternity leave is a divine commandment, freedom to leave an abusive marriage is a god-given right, the ingestion of the Pill is a holy ritual, and abortion is a mitzvah! What? You want to defund Planned Parenthood!? You fuckers are infringing on my religious freedom. What do I mean, my religious freedom? I’m Feminish! That’s right, byotches. Feminish. There’s my temple. We get together on Saturdays and read off of a scroll in a language that you won’t understand because we use words like “reproductive freedom”, “available contraception”, and “equal pay for equal work.” You want to pay me less than a man? Yeah, uh, sorry, but my God says you can’t do that. It infringes on the free practice of my religion.
So go ahead, North Dakota and Texas. Bring on those religious exemption laws. We will just make churches for every goddamned thing. Then who’s going to be laughing? The pharmacist who tried to deny me a prescription because he “thinks” it “might” cause an abortion? Or me, because the asshole pharmacist is infringing on my sacred practice of a highly revered religious rite?
I’ll hand it to you, you fundamentalist psychopaths, you’re ballsy, and getting ballsier. This is a side effect of you being batshit crazy. But we’re crazier. And we’ve had it with your shit. Sit the fuck down, and shut the fuck up, or there will be a Temple Beth Fallopia on every goddamn corner. And a First Church of Gay. Hey, immigrants? Pot smokers? Any of you guys want in?
So, what are you going to do, angry Christians? You want to make our governments into religious-exemption pez dispensers and then duke it out in court over every last case of who’s infringing upon whom? Let’s do it! I’m serious. Maybe it will finally make you appreciate what religious freedom actually means. And, for that matter, freedom in general. Remember: your freedoms to swing your fist around wildly…? Yeah. Ends when it smashes into my nose. My freedoms are precious to me. So back the hell up or I will be forced to make them holy. It’s your call.